For starters, don’t worry there’s nothing here about the election. If I could simultaneously barf and puke at the same time, I would. I’m sick of thinking about it, talking about it, and hearing about it. I froze my nards off in line to vote and did my part. Granted, one part turned purple and fell off, but with nothing worthwhile in this world comes without sacrifice.

1. Let’s get started with what’s being described as ‘The Alaska Door Plug Incident’. Minutes after Alaska Airlines flight 1282 took off from Portland International Airport on Jan. 5, a door plug blew out, sparking chaos on the plane. Yeah, our commercial airplanes are falling apart – shocker. It’s so much fun to fly I haven’t done it since 2009 when I got ‘randomly selected for additional screening’ because I had a one-way ticket and no luggage. Keeping in mind I couldn’t look more non-threatening if I was holding a balloon and an ice cream cone. So it’s good to see the airline industry still has their priorities in check and are putting all of those additional fees to good use. If I was on a plane these days, there’s a 50/50 chance I’d be praying to be sitting next to a ‘Door Plug Incident’ just to get out of there. A guy in our office, Wally from Accounting, had a ‘Plug Incident’ once, but that was after a few cosmos at a bar call the Exit Inn.

2. The Collapse Of The Francis Scott Key Bridge In Baltimore. On March 26, a container ship struck the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, collapsing the bridge and killing six construction workers who were filling potholes on the span. Two workers survived. There’s really nothing funny about this, but I thought it was noteworthy because everyone thinks of Baltimore, beautiful a city as it may be in reality, as somewhat of a shooting gallery. Luckily, they shut the bridge down and stopped traffic mere moments before the barge hit, otherwise there would have been multiple vehicles plunging into the water. Drowning in a car is one of my biggest fears. I’d take my chances getting shot in the buttocks walking out of a bar in Baltimore or stepping on a crack pipe in my bare feet any day of the week over going out underwater, especially if my radio started to malfunction and I drowned listening to ‘Party In The USA’ by Miley Cyrus because I couldn’t change the station. On second thought, I’d rather drown than listen to ‘Party In The USA’.

3. Five people were charged in Matthew Perry’s Ketamine Death. It had been reported that Perry went to rehab 15 times before achieving long-term sobriety, as was detailed in his 2022 memoir. He spent over $9 million on treatment, had 65 detoxes, 14 surgeries, nearly died from a burst colon caused by excessive opioid use, was in a coma for two weeks, and used a colostomy bag for nine months. He also at one point ran a sober-living facility for men at his former Malibu home. You can actually watch interview after interview over the years where he espoused the virtues of recovery. I don’t care who you are, it only takes one injury, surgery, or drug pushing pharma rep to get you mixed up into being hooked on something. There’s always a new ‘miracle remedy’ being advertised at 3AM. I remember the first time I saw an ad for a drug that treats people suffering from ‘opioid related constipation’ which, if you’ve ever been on pain pills, is a real thing. And it’s not new. Yet marijuana is still a Schedule 1 drug at the federal level. Can’t imagine why, maybe ask the for-profit prison system.

4. Music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs Was Arrested in New York City in September and charged with sex trafficking by force, transportation to engage in prostitution and racketeering conspiracy. As if nobody knew this was going on for years, just like Bill Cosby or Michael Jackson. Fact is, if you make money for people, you can get away with just about anything… for a while. But by the time anyone decided to actually report on it, so much irreversible damage has already been done that you just have to expect it’s going to continue to happen over and over and over. And don’t buy the excuse of, ‘I don’t remember doing it, but if I did, I apologize’ because you can’t tell me something like this stuff was a phase of life and you’re a better person now and ‘Oops, busted!’ Even Harvey Weinstein is getting a retrial. Bill Cosby got out of prison. The lawyer for that Luigi Mangione guy who is accused of killing the head of United Healthcare says some of the most damning evidence against him should be dismissed because there was no warrant to search his backpack. And that S#!T might work! I wonder how many people are getting their backpacks searched at a fast food joint at this very moment who can’t afford a lawyer and are gonna disappear for the weekend. Rule of thumb: leave your backpack full of contraband at home before you go grab a double-whatever with cheese. Makes life easier.

5. Hurricanes Helene and Milton. This isn’t last on the list because it’s the least important, to the contrary, it was the saddest and most disheartening. On Sept. 26, Hurricane Helene made landfall in Florida as a powerful Cat 4 storm. As Helene moved north, it wreaked havoc in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia and Tennessee. Helene destroyed homes and roads, stranded residents without phone service and water, and claimed the lives of nearly 250 people throughout the Southeast. Things will never, ever be the same in the Western part of our state. That’s why I was so appalled during the latest threat of a gov’t shutdown over a funding bill was over, in part, providing aid to NC and to farmers. There were enough people in Washington opposed to that element that they threatened to not fund the government unless it was taken out.
   You know what? You jackwagons can go out into the middle of the woods and squat on a ax handle, withholding aid like that. With your cushy do-nothing, two-to-six year jobs with all benefits covered while you’re only required to work less than 200 days a year. And how much of that do you spend whining on TV doing interviews while you SHOULD be working? It’s disgusting. And yet I can’t help but think I really did get in the wrong line of work. I could be somewhere right now flapping my jowls being completely unproductive, just like I do every day here, except with two residences and wearing a $500 suit on TV talking about how boo-hoo, nobody will meet me half way. Yet my pay check would still clear regardless, while people in Asheville or Boone or Montreat and Swannonoa watched their neighborhoods destroyed, their homes burned, flash floods, landslides, roads collapse… and it’s never ever coming back. In 2025, don’t let these assclowns off the hook. Hold ’em accountable, after all we’re paying for it… in more ways than one.
   

As Robert Frost said, “Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.”

~Rhyan